Amazon.com

1. Amazon was famously founded in a garage,  but what's not so well known is the garage it was founded in was Walford's own 'Arches' garage from TV's Eastenders.

2. Although nowadays you can buy almost anything from Amazon the company actually started out as a book store? A book is a type of foldable printed internet.

3. Amazon's warehouse is HUGE. Can you imagine a warehouse that could stretch from here to the moon? Well you could store that warehouse in the Amazon warehouse.

4. Today Amazon has over 117,000 employees, and some of them are paid an OK wage.

5. Before becoming one of the darlings of silicon valley, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos was best known as TV's Mr Belding in teen hit 'Saved By The Bell'.

6. The first book ever sold on Amazon was 'Clitoris Allsorts' by Roy Chubby Brown.

7. Amazon now manufacture and sell a huge range of original products, such as the Amazon 'Kindle' eReader and the Amazon 'Alexa' smart speaker. Well thanks to Jeff Bezos' obsession with sex robots you could soon own an Amazon 'Doris' eWife.

8. Amazon employs over 15,000 robots in their warehouses and at present it is unknown how many Jeff Bezos has had sex with.

9. The President of the United States, Donald J Trump has publicly criticised Amazon. This is because of the Post Office or something and has nothing to do with Jeff Bezos also owning the Washington Post. It definitely isn't a cynical attempt to undermine a critics stock prices as that would be a sickening abuse of power.

10. A handful of former Amazon employees have gone on to found blockbuster companies of their own, including Hulu, Quora, Whible, Splunk and Titbox.

Boris Johnson

1. Boris Johnson's full name is "Boris Alexander Cecil Pfeffel Windermere Galahad Dwayne The Rock Johnson"

2. Given his conservative political stance, you might be surprised to learn that Boris’ mother Charlotte has a rather lefty job – she's TV's Alan Carr!

3. While studying at Oxford, Boris was part of the elitist and extremely secretive all-male Bullingdon Club. It’s been reported that members regularly acted like proper cunts.

4. Along with racial controversy, Boris has said some offensive things about Gay and Trans Rights, Millennials, Jack Russel Terriers, Sandwiches, Paul Hogan and lots of other things for his Times column. In fact Boris can say offensive things about almost anything. And to a deadline!

5. Boris has penned numerous books over the years, including ones about Puppy Murder, Latin for Racists and numerous volumes of homo-erotic Chuckle Brothers fan fiction.

6. After an affair with art consultant Helen Macintyre, Boris became the father to a baby girl in 2010. The couple tried to keep the child’s paternity a secret, because Boris is a truly awful human being.

7. In March 2018 following a chemical attack on a former Russian spy, Boris said the attack was definitely committed by Russia. But now that might not be true, which is a terrible mistake for a foreign secretary to make. But he'll probably say something in Latin about Golly-Wogs soon so it all be total bants anyway.

8. Boris Johnson is really just 3 highly trained Capybaras in a suit.

9. Most people think Bojo wants to be Prime Minister because of how he lies and fucks up the country all the time in an obvious effort to be PM. But his real dream job is to be a stunt man!

10. Boris rose to fame after his now famous appearances as the guest host on CBBC's "Get Your Own Back", filling in for Dave Benson Phillips.

Data Security

1. When you go online you leave behind tiny pieces of data - this data can be exploited to profile you to see if you're susceptible to obvious lies and racist hyperbole.

2. More computer data has been created in the last 30 years than it had in the previous 2000 years!

3. We actually create data all the time! In the time it has taken to read these first 3 facts, people have performed over 30,000,000 Google searches and almost a dozen Bing searches.

4. We are all at risk from having our data stolen so we must all be really careful about what we share online. Unless you have a great picture or something that will get loads of likes, then it's probably ok.

5. In 2009 computer scientists discovered BIG DATA, which is like regular data but much bigger. Sometimes the data is so big it has to be stored in specially converted warehouses and aeroplane hangers.

6. British firm Cambridge Analytica used stolen data to identify potential Trump and Brexit voters by getting people to complete an "Are you a big racist that cares little for facts?" survey.

7. Data is harvested using 'smart' devices. A smart device is a computer that spies on you but it's not in a computer, it's in like a camera or a speaker or your fridge and stuff and involves Wi-Fi.

8. Data is kept in 'the cloud' which is actually a complex network of servers, not an actual cloud! So don't expect Michael Fish to help you with your data, he is shit with computers and recently fell for one of those 'Nigerian Lottery' emails.

9. Data profiling can tell researchers more about you than your partner's and family could. This is because you're practically unknowable and desperately need to open up more.

10. Staying safe online sounds easy, like how hard is it to beat up some specky nerd with an Amstrad? But it's actually really hard because the people who steal your data are often miles away, usually in Russia or their mum and dad's basement.

Easter

1. Easter has been celebrated in the UK since the 1950s, not that you can call it 'Easter' anymore! This is because of a copyright filed by Bristol Rovers frontman Jermaine Easter.

2. Easter happens in April, but some times in March, basically it's sort of at Spring time and has something to do with the moon. No one really has a clue why that is or when the next one will be.

3. Easter is famous for its choccy eggs, but they are actually a modern addition to the holiday. For hundreds of years children would hunt for dog eggs in local parks at Easter to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus.

4. The largest ever chocolate bunny weighed more than 20,000 tonnes, but it was made from that shit, gritty American chocolate. Yuck!

5. What do eggs and bunnies have to do with Jesus? Well nothing actually, they represent the reproductive awakenings of Spring, but it would be weird and gross to give kids chocolate spunk and ovaries!

6. Eggs were a symbol of life to the Ancient Egyptians, Persians, Romans, Greeks, Pagans & even the Incas! But Easter is all about Jesus and not any of them false gods. It's always been about Jesus.

7. In medieval times, a festival of 'egg-throwing' was held in church. The priest would throw a hard-boiled egg to one of the choir boys, and then tossed from one choir boy to the next. When the clock struck 12, whoever held the egg was the winner and was brutally slaughtered in a blood sacrifice to appease the Lord.

8. Easter celebrates the resurrection of Christ and is the oldest Christian celebration (even older than Xmas!) But the holiday was originally put together by greedy egg farmers looking to shift tainted eggs to religious zealots.

9. Easter eggs have been popular for years, but in the UK if you were to write 'Easter' on an Easter egg you would probably go to jail for a hundred years for offending the Muslims or one of them lot, probably.

10. Before Easter Sunday, where Jesus was resurrected, you have Good Friday, where JC was killed-up, but did you know that before that you have 'Maundy Thursday'? Nobody knows what a fucking 'Maundy' is.

Guns

1. Guns were invented by Michael Winner in 1974 as a plot device for the hit Charles Bronson movie "Death Wish".

2. Guns are great for self-defence. Mainly defending men with micro-penises from the crippling sense of inadequacy their tiny willies give them.

3. Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Well, bullets kill people, and people buy bullets and shoot people with bullets using guns. But guns don't kill people, or something.

4. In America there are more guns than people! But this is only because most people in America have been killed by guns.

5. It's not just racist policeman and the mentally ill who love guns, many Hollywood celebs do also. None more so than the leader of the Decepticons, Megatron.

6. The only worse thing than a 'bad guy with a gun' is a teenager with a Twitter account. Because guns only hurt body parts, but teens hurt feelings and are dumb faced jerks.

7. Most people think of gun manufacturers as ruthless, greedy and blood-thirsty. But in reality they are far, far worse.

8. Every year millions of people are killed by guns, which sounds bad. But when you think about how fucking cool and sexy guns are, it's actually not that bad.

9. The most controversial gun in the world is the AR-15. This is because it was the first openly homosexual fire-arm to be sold to the public.

10. Hundreds of years ago there were no guns and no horrific mass shootings. But the mass shootings we have nowadays are nothing to do with guns and are more to do with MTV and computer games.

Jeremy Corbyn

1. Jeremy Corbyn is best known for his current job leading the Labour party, but before that he was famed 80s action hero Steven Segals.

2. Jeremy Corbyn invented the beard in 1982, but was screwed out of the royalties by his former partner and best friend Noel Edmonds.

3. Lots of people say that JC is an anti-Semite, but this is a completely false statement and is only brought up by his detractors because he keeps doing lots of Anti-Semitic things.

4. Jeremy's famous allotment is so famous it has it's own Facebook page! However the page is filled with lots of anti-Semitism and is best avoided.

5. John McDonnel is JC's best friend ever. They have a sleep over and jammy party every Saturday night and if they are good their mums will let them watch Predator!

6. In 2017 JC performed on the main stage at the Glastonbury festival. However he was running in an election and that really wasn't the time to fulfill his childish dreams.

7. London's 'Grime' scene has taken the Labour leader in as one of its own. But this isn't because of Jeremy's socialist views, its because of the hot 16 he dropped on JME during a heated rap battle in 2006.

8. Jeremy Corbyn made all of his money selling high risk penny stocks to vulnerable investors during the 1980s.

9. JC rose to prominence in 2015 winning the Labour leadership as a 250 to 1 outsider. Beating off the favourite contender, The Stig, from BBCs TopGear.

10. Jeremy Corbyn worked as a research scientist in the 1970s. During this time he was bombarded with Gamma radiation leaving him with a condition similar to The Incredible Hulk. If he were to ever get angry he could destroy the whole world! This is why he's such a massive pussy.

Brexit

1. 4000 years ago God broke up super continent Pangea moving England away from the frogs and stuff. Staying in Europe is against the will of God!

2. The interference of the bloated European beurocracy machine continually stifles progressive politics in the UK. If they had their way we couldn't take penny one off the disableds!

3. You know who else wanted to unite Europe.... Hitler, that's who!

4. If the UK were to leave Europe on a Monday by the following Wednesday you'd be a millionaire stuntman with a diamond house and a super model girlfriend.

5. A staggering £1.20 of every £1 paid in UK tax goes to Europe... so Johnny Frog and Wolfgang Von Fritz can give wine and moustaches to children!

6. According to boffins at CERN, Europe is now covered in so much red tape that if stretched out in a single line it would reach from earth to the moon a staggering 4 times!

7. Who knows better, you or Boris? Exactly, button it hippy!

8. If the brexit doesn't work out, I've had a word and South America will have us.

9. Yeah, Europe did put an end to the ceaseless continental wars and in the process lead to an era of unprecedented peace and prosperity... but the idea of being told we can't govern how bendy our bananas are is quite frankly not worth it.

10. The British people don't need selfish business men with funny voices pushing us around for their own selfish gains. So let's brexit and never brenter again!!!

StarWars

1. StarWars lead man Luke Skywalker was played by actor Mark Hamil, but director George Lucas had originally wanted Dad's Army star Arthur Lowe to play the part. 

2. StarWars was based on the 1958 Japanese movie 'The Hidden Fortress'. But that movie was based actually based on Disney's direct to VHS hit 'Earnest Saves Christmas'.

3. StarWars is one of the biggest grossing movies of all time. If George Lucas made a dollar for every movie ticket sold, he would be so rich you would want to kick a mouse in the face. Well he did, he is and you do.

4. In the 1999 public census enough people listed their religion as Jedi to legally make it an actual religion. This infuriated the Catholic Church so much that then Pope, John Paul 2.0, forced Harrison Ford to convert to Catholicism by making him watch his friends die then making him fight his dad.

5. In 2008 a petition in Sweden to remove the StarWars prequels from history was signed by 24,000,000 people.

6. The really good sequels and really shit prequels were never meant to be made. The original 'New Hope' was meant to be a stand alone satire of Mel Brook's 'Spaceballs'.

7. Bounty Hunter 'Boba Fett' was played by none other than Eastenders favorite Adam Woodyat. 

8. Alec Guinness was one of the great method actors of his generation and spent 25 years training as a Jedi in the Degaba System as preparation for the role.

9. StarWars is not only remembered by its legions of fans for it's visual attributes, it's sound effects are just as revered. What makes them even more impressive is that they were all recoded on the fly by Police Academy's Michael Winslow. 

10. George Lucas received a huge back lash from irate StarWars fans when in 1998 he released the special editions of the movies. The outrage was caused as many elements of the movie had been radically changed to suit younger movie goers. For example in the special edition version the Death Star is digitally replaced by The Ninky Nonk from cbeebies cult classic 'In The Night Garden'. (Google it)

Bob Marley

1. Before ever picking up a guitar, the young Bob Marley dreamed of owning and operating his own small independent accountancy firm.

2. Though best know for hits like 'No Woman No Cry' or '3 Little Birds' Bob's first foray in to the world of music was as a Tom Jones impersonator. 

3. Bob Marley has for many years been associated with smoking cannabises, or 'doobies' as they are known on the street. But in reality Marley never took so much as an aspirin. Hated druggers. 

4. As we all know Jamaican's are really fast and Bob was no exception, winning gold in the 100m final at the 1976 summer Olympics. 

5. Like all reggae singers Bob Marley was proud of his natty rasta dreads. But hairologists from the National Museum of Celebrity Barnets in Manchester now believe that Marley's famous doo was a fake!

6. Bob Marley had many showbiz pals, one of the closest was martial arts wiz Bruce Lee. Marley even starred along side Lee in 'Game of Death' playing the part of NBA star Kareem Abdul Jabbar.  

7. Bob Marley's dad invented the machine that puts stripes in toothpaste.

8. Bob Marley played with his backing band 'The Wailers' until they were brutally murdered by misinformed Greenpeace activists.

9. Bob Marley in real life never actually shot the sheriff, and he certainly didn't shoot any deputies! He did however kill a man in cold blood, in what was a tragic crime of passion.

10. Bob Marley was the fist ever celebrity to provide a voice over for long running cartoon comedy The Simpsons. Voicing Sideshow Bob's lawyer in season 1.

Ghosts

1. When you die you become a ghost, unless you're a Buddhist or one of them that thinks you come back as a cat or something.

2. Ghost was actor Patrick Swayze's third best film after Road House and that other one. But its the only one he has a chance of appearing in any sequels too. 

3. The holy ghost is a spooky kind of Jesus that's comes out at Easter and Halloween.

4. A ghost writer isn't a type of poltergeist that writes stuff. It's what comedians on BBC1 stand up programmes use to appear funnier than they really are.

5. Some people, like Derek Anchora, believe that they can talk to ghosts and they get money from vulnerable people to communicate with their dead relatives. The word for someone who can talk with the spirits is 'cunt'.

6. Yorkshire resident Sheila Headband claims that her 2 bed semi is haunted by none other than the late prime minister Margaret Thatcher. That or kids from the estate are stealing her milk.

7. London is the second most haunted place in the world. It's ancient buildings are said to be home to all kinds of spooks and spectres. The most haunted place however remains Anne Widdecombe's vagina.

8. A ouiji board is a mystic peace of wood that some say can channel spirits, but it's not its just a bit of wood.

9. Star of Ghost Busters, Dan Aykroyd, landed the role in the 80's Hollywood blockbuster as he is actually a ghost. Aykroyd died in Canada in 1896 and after spending many years floating around houses moving things on shelves, he decided to give acting a go. The rest is history!

10. Casper is supposed to be the friendliest of all ghosts, and for the most part that's true, unless your gay, then he has little time for you. But to be fair he's from a different era, it was alright in his day to be all bigoted and shit.

Vladimir Putin

1. Putin in Russia means "bear killer". When young Vladimir was just a boy of 5 he killed his first bear with, funnily enough, his father's bear shooting rifle.

2. Every August 15th is National Putin day in Russia. The celebrations last 24 hours. Anyone who stops celebrating in that time is executed violently.

3. Vladimir Putin has for the last 11 years been voted the most handsome man in Russia.

4. Vladimir Putin loves hunting but hates gays. One of his favourite things to do is empty his loaded weapon up a gay and have him mounted.

5. In order to prove his manliness and to avenge the wrongs committed on his proud nation by the USA, Vladimir Putin defeated Rocky actor Sylvester Stalone in a charity boxing match.

6. Vladimir Putin has the world's largest collection of Troll Dolls. He has over 75,000 of the big haired little fuckers.

7. Once his political career comes to an end Vladimir Putin has his eyes set firmly on being a Hollywood star. He even makes a cameo in the upcoming Rob Schneider movie "the thinnest premise".

8. Vladimir Putin allegedly has the largest penis in Russia. He bought it at auction a decade ago and it takes centre stage at his lavish Moscow residence. 

9. Vladimir Putin has always been a huge comic book fan. A reported 40% of Russia's defence budget is spent on radioactive spiders and gamma radiation blasts to try and give the president his own super powers.

10. Vladimir Putin is a renowned philanthropist, since he became president the number of homeless people in Russia has plummeted. This is because it's illegal to be homeless and the punishment is extermination.

Cocaine

1. Cocaine was invented in 1980 by Brian De Palma as a plot device for the movie Scarface.

2. Cocaine was popularised in the late 1800s when employers would give it to their workers to improve their productivity. A practice still employed by record labels and banks to this very day.

3. Cocaine has several medicinal properties and for generations has been used as a treatment for all manner of ailments. This practice was stopped however as the side effects of the drug make you an annoying, smug, overly intense cockjob.

4. Every year international drugs agencies seize over 500 million tonnes of cocaine from drug smugglers. If all that cocaine was cut in to one line you would need a rolled up tenner the size of Ohio to snort it up.

5. Actress Daniella Westbrooke was so addicted to cocaine she lost her septum. She sold it on the black market to Chinese herbalists. It is believed that the septum of the white woman has remarkable healing powers and as such fetches a huge price.

6. The most famous drug dealer of all time was cocaine King Pablo Escabar. At one point he controlled 80% of the world's cocaine market. What is not so well known about the Prince of sniff Escabar is that he played left back for West Bromwich Albion from 1967 to 1969.

7. 96 % of UK bank notes contain trace amounts of cocaine. If all the coke from every bank note was stacked up, you could cut a line that would stretch from London to New York.

8. Cocaine comes from the leaves of the Coca plant in South America. For over a thousand years the indigenous people's of South America have rolled up fivers and snorted the leaves.

9. The cocaine market has an estimated revenue stream of over 900 billion dollars per year. If it were a single corporation it would be bigger than all of the FT500 companies put together.

10. Until 1934 cocaine in the UK was legal and commonly practiced. To see two young boys racking up a line of Coke before school or a vicar hoovering up blow from a strippers tits would have been no strange occurrence.

The Beatles

1. The Beatles earned their fame as part of Liverpool's swinging Mersey Beat scene. But when they originally formed they were a Slayer tribute act.

2. The Beatles had a famous rivalry with fellow rockers The Rolling Stones. The pop beef started when Stones guitarist Keith Richards killed original Beatles drummer Pete Best in a bare knuckle boxing match.

3. John Lenon caused outrage when he claimed that the Beatles were 'bigger than jesus'. Jesus was so mad at the Fab 4 he summoned the demon, Yoko Ono, from her thousand year slumber to destroy the band.

4. Though popular belief is that it is a song inspired by hallucinogenic drug LSD,  'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds', was really inspired by a painting Paul McCartney's daughter had drawn at school. The Beatles had earlier penned a drug themed song with their ode to Rohipnal, Love Me Do.

5. Before being signed by Parlaphone The Beatles were famously turned down at the audition stages of Britain's Got Talent. 

6. Many believe producer George Martin deserved much of the credit for the Beatles seminal studio album 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band'. This is because he played all the instruments and did all the singing on the album as The Beatles were mashed up on drugs and shit.

7. Paul McCartney was really good mates with the Prince of Pedo Pop Michael Jackson. Macca gave Jacko some savvy business advice to buy the rights to hit records, and Jackson promptly purchased the whole Beatles back catalogue. McCartney was furious as the only song he didn't buy was Hey Jude. To this day this is the only Beatles song Macca can legally perform live. So he does a 50 minute fucking awful version at every event that ever happens, the cunt.

8. George Harrison famously died in a go-kart accident in 1968 and was replaced by Cheers actress Rhea Pearlman. 

9. The song Eleanor Rigby was based on the life of Florence Nightingale, who did keep a face in a jar by the door, for most of her adult life. 

10. When Beatlemania hit the United States in 1964 a state of martial law was declared. In the the bloodshed that followed over a thousand men lost their lives and many, many more were injured and had their lives torn apart.

Flight MH370

1. Flight MH370 took off at exactly 06:06:06 in the morning, but contact was not lost until 3 hours and 5 minutes later at 09:11. 

2. All but one of the 277 passengers on the mystery airliner had either been to America or were familiar with aspects of the nations culture.

3. Book rights to the Flight MH370 saga have been purchased by the publishing house of histories worst writer, Dan Brown. Brown is expected to once again resurrect the character of Robert Langdon and have him enter a series of poorly written aviation themed adventures involving the illuminati or the catholics or something.

4. One of the passengers on board the aircraft was noted UFO expert Sandown Rustypeace. Before he took his flight Rustypeace left his mother a frantic voice mail claiming he was being followed by 'Lizard People'. His mother didn't report the message as she claims "He leaves me messages with that kind of shit all the time, he's mental in his head box".

5. One unlikely scoop from Hollywood celeb blogger, Perez Hilton, proved that the whole missing plane saga was a publicity stunt performed by actor and comedian Steve Carell promoting his new movie Despicable Me 3.

6. One documents leaked by Julian Assange's Wikileaks showed that the mind control drugs used in 'chemtrails' were manufactured in Malaysia. 

7 As Malaysia is a largely Muslim nation a link to terrorism was considered a highly likely possibility. However FBI head of anti-terrorism, Jebidiah Kindred Jr, ruled this out as an option and calmed fears when he released the following statement "The bad ones are brown and not yellow, so we should be fine".

8. The logo of Malaysian Airlines is a pryimid with an eye in it, on top of a Star of David, below a swastika, with a crucifix to the left and a dollar sign to the right. The background is 2 towers and a grassy knoll. 

9. In an effort to prevent further airliner mishaps Malaysian Airlines have handed copies of the movie Airplane to all its pilots. I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.

10. One document released last week proved that the US government has actually owned and operated aircraft, with records going back as far as to the 1940s. 

Hippies

1. Although most famous for their actions in the 1960s hippies have actually been around longer than most of us think. Primitive cave paintings found in France last year clearly show ill informed morons with placards. 

2. We all know that Bob Dylan was the best hippy ever, but who was the worst? Well in 1962 a young Margaret Thatcher was the first and only person to ever be kicked out of the Oxford Association of Hippies. The then future PM is rumoured to have enraged fellow hippies when she turned up at a 'Ban The Bomb' rally and immediately blew up 26 children with a grenade.

3. In 1975 Canadian, Bisto Sandblaster, was supposed to be the first hippy in space. The mission was cancelled though as everyone just got high and listened to the crunchy grooves of Fleetwood Mac. 

4. The richest hippy of all time was Apple Mac Daddy, Steve Jobs. Despite his shrewd business acumen he still held all the principles and values of a real hippy. Apart from the ones about having 5 year old slave labourers building phones in Taiwanese factories. 

5. Hippies are notorious for their repugnant odour, but have you ever wondered why? The reason for the famous stench is because all hippies are born with an inherent fear of soap. 

6. 1967 saw a breakthrough for hippies when Agnes Bumhole became the first ever female hippy. It would be 20 more years before blacks were allowed to join and even today many hippy sects across the world will not allow Jews amongst their ranks.

7. Hippies have a natural disdain for corporations. This is ever since the famous Wall Street crash when a suicidal banker plumped 60 stories and destroyed a hippies parked VW camper.

8. Although often credited to the successes of the D-Day landings and the Russian push on Berlin, World War II's end was really brought about by an enormous drum circle.

9. Most hippies are vegetarian, scientists believe this is why they are all so weak and ineffective. 

10. Although it's origins were rooted in a message of peace and understanding of all of earth's creatures, hippies do occasionally disagree with one another. The best example of this would be the "hippy civil wars" of the mid 1990s. Where a disagreement over ponchos led to the deaths of 120,000 hippies.

Farming

1. Britain is a proud agricultural nation. The earliest British farms date all the way back to 1867.

2. Organic farmers have been proven to have the same nutritional value as farmers grown using pesticides.

3. Animal Farm by George Orwell was about a bunch of critters taking over a farm. But it was really a scathing parable of the Clinton administration.   

4. The Darling Buds of May followed the exploits of farming family the Larkins.  But it was really a scathing parable of the Russian Revolution. 

5. Due to the increased demand of an ever growing population and the continuous need for competitive pricing amongst big supermarket chains, many of Britain's farmers have fallen upon hard times lately. Many even having to sell their holiday homes in the Caribbean and pawn the diamonds from their pimped out tractors.

6. In the 1990s farmers forced cannibalism upon their cows, when in order to save money on expensive cow food, like grass, they fed minced beef to their cattle. This caused BSE, or mad cow disease. The diseased animals were then slaughtered and sold for human consumption, resulting in the illnesses human form; Creutzfeltd-Jakob Disease. But don't worry the condition lays dormant for 60 years so we've got ages till we have to worry about it.

7. Many farms in the UK go back generations. This is why even though it makes far more economical sense to import most crops from abroad, and the land taken up by farms would resolve the housing crisis which will plague us for the next 20 years, it's still really important to subsidise British farms with tax payers money.

8. Farming is a dying industry in Britain. If you were to go back just a couple of millenia, a staggering 7 out of 10 people were farmers, where as in today's Britain it is only 1 in every 450,000 people. Yet the BBC still churn out Country File like anyone actually gives half a fuck.

9. When you think of a farmer you tend to imagine an out of touch, wealthy, slightly racist and not ashamed to hide it, hick, who shoots anyone who comes within a mile of his shitty field with a dog. But some are really cool because Luke Skywalker was a sort of farmer with his uncle Owen in New Hope, but granted his heart wasn't in it.

10. The most farmed crop in the world is corn. Every year over 75 trillion tonnes are harvested. If all that corn were to be grown in one field it would need to be 89 times bigger than the whole world.

Twitter

1. Twitter as a concept, was developed by Nazi scientists towards the end of the Second World War, so the führer could send moral boosting messages to the brave troops at battle.

2. Current CEO and owner of Twitter, Jack Dorsey, actually won the now successful social media company in a poker game with Nick Hewer in 1997. Apprentice star Hewer had acquired it a week earlier from gypsies who could not cover their bets after Hewer had a big win at the dog fights.

3. Tweets are famously only 140 characters long, but have you ever wondered why? Well it may just be a coincidence, but in all 242 episodes of 'Last of the Summer Wine' exactly 140 characters appear.

4. Twitter was discovered by antiques boffin Jonty Hearnden. He found it in an elderly ladies loft in an early episode of 'Cash in the Attic'. Twitter was unsold at auction, but so taken was Jonty by the social media phenomenon, that he offered a fiver for it and took it home.

5. Twitters hashtag function is brill for anyone looking for Tweets on certain topics. But did you ever wonder what hashtag actually means? Well it comes from the German word häschtagën, which is deeply racist.

6. In spring 2012 Arkansas resident Guthrie P Cupidson was the first man to tweet his own suicide note, before tragically overdosing on a cocktail of Cilitbang and Paracetamol. He only had 3 followers, all of whom were intermittent Twitter users at best.

7. Twitter can be used to spread positive messages and raise awareness for important issues, galvanising public opinion and embracing a free exchange of ideas. But for most people its just a way to talk to girls.

8. In 2013 Her Royal Highness the Queen opened a Twitter account, however it was shut down 2 weeks later as her Majesties frequent antisemitic messages breached the conduct code of the social media giant.

9. Every day an average of 212 billion Tweets are Twittered. If every Tweet was stacked on top of each other it would be as tall as a double decker bus!

10. ITV bosses were heavily criticised by womens right campaigners for their controversial 2010 game show 'Tweet Us Ya Tits'. The show encouraged female viewers to tweet pictures of their boobs with the hashtag #capitalknockers. The reason for the criticism was that hosts Ant and Dec owned Twitter and were getting a pound for every top bollock pic sent in, and often a girl with champion nawks had already been selected to win beforehand. 

Singing

1. The ability to sing comes from human evolution. Like with birds, the better the person can sing, the better the potential for mating and therefore the survival of the species. This is why Michael Ball can make a fanny wet at 50 paces.

2. In today's society, more than at any other time in history, singers are worshipped by the public. A recent government poll indicated that one singers life is considered to have more worth than 20 heart surgeons.

3. It used to take singers a lifetime to have a full career, but thanks to Simon Cowell and modern technology a singer can now complete their entire career in less than 6 months. 

4. Opera singers can famously make glass shatter by hitting the right resonant frequency. Singer David Hasslehoff attempted this at a gig in Berlin in 1989 and ended communism.

5. Jihadist bad boys The Taliban are against all forms of music, especially singing, which is banned in Afghanistan.  This however has not stopped production company Freemantle Media getting it's foot in the door of Afghan telly, they launch their new show in August;The X-Fatwa.

6. Thanks to modern technology we can all be singers. If you are attractive but can't sing you can have your voice manipulated to sound in tune. Alternatively if you can sing but your dog ugly, the addition of a digital sob story helps. 

7. Mafia member and croon legend Frank Sinatra famously said he was born with a song in his heart. His autopsy showed this was what finally killed him. 

8. Music can give the downtrodden a voice to protest the many injustices in the world. Like when tinpot nations who aren't important like Albania or Denmark deliberately give England a low score in the Eurovision Song Contest. 

9. Historians from the Natural History Museum have discovered that ancient civilisations trapped the souls of singers in vinyl discs.

10. Ever since the mid 80's Karaoke has been a mainstay of British culture. But would that be the case if more people knew what Karaoke actually meant in Japanese? Well it probably would be, as Karaoke is Japanese for 'over weight attention seeking fat woman, whose family have been too kind to tell her that she has all the vocal talent of a squirrel in a meat grinder'.

Space

1. Space was invented in the 1600s by Galileo Galilei Figuero when he made the first telescope, before that it was heaven.

2. Space is bigger than the human mind can comprehend, but if you took all of space and flattened it out it would reach to the moon and back 12 times!

3. NASA was set up by the Christian right in the 1950s. The plan was to send a man into heaven before the Russians did.

4. Aliens are commonly depicted as strange creatures from space who want to fight Will Smith and take over America. But really they are grubby foreign chaps who cling to lorry axles.

5. The planet Earth is in the universe which scientists predict is 14.5 billion years old.  Which means god waited 14,499,994,000 years to build earth.

6. On July 20th 1969 a staggering three billion people watched Sir Neil Armstrong walk on the moon. A TV viewing record which stood until the 2009 Eastenders Christmas special where bad guy Archie Mitchell met his demise at the hands of Wellard the dog. 

7. Before the big bang the universe was in a state called singularity, a dense cold nothingness containing no stars, no mass and not even any atoms. The closest thing scientists can relate it to is ITV's Saturday night line up.

8. When you travel in space you move at light speed. This is because in space there is no gravity. Scientists believe that gravity is unique to earth because when Issac Newton was alive he would not have known about space.

9. Space is filled with stars, and each star is part of a different constellation. Constellations are important because when they line up in different ways they effect the lives of ignorant, gullible women who read awful magazines and tabloid papers.

10. In the 1960s American scientists spent millions developing a pen that would work in zero gravity. The whole time the Russians were just using stenographers!

Jeremy Kyle

1. Jeremy Kyle has been helping people his entire life. When he was a boy of no more than 10, he opened a little doctors practice in his garden. Specialising in treatments for playground scrapes and home abortions. 

2. A devout Christian, when Kyle was in his early 20s he went on a missionary trip to Jerusalem, where he was quickly hailed as the new messiah.

3. Jeremy Kyle doesn't stop caring when the cameras stop rolling. In 2009 he opened 'The Jezza Foundation', a charity which has provided over 2000 lower class British citizens with affordable cider and first rate 2 stripe tracksuits.

4. Jeremy Kyle has battled his demons the same as we all have, but unlike the figurative demons of alcoholism or serial adultery dealt with on his show, JK actually battled real demons, as he spent 3 years as an exorcist. 

5. Jeremy Kyle has come under criticism from many for his exploitation of the problems faced by nieve, under educated people trapped in a never ending spiral of abuse. Well if a free night in a hotel in Manchester and a crate of cider is exploitation, sign me up.

6. Jeremy Kyle is not afraid of confrontation because he is an experienced cage fighter, trained in many disciplines of the martial arts. Those two lunking meatheads he has on stage when he taunts a man in a tracksuit who failed a DNA test, are only there to balance the studios feng-shui. 

7. Jeremy has been routinely questioned about his harsh treatment of drug addicts on the show. This methodology is confusing to many as JK himself has for many years had a gambling addiction. But gambling is not illegal, and it was only ever a flutter, it never got out of hand and he can quit anytime he wants. Not like druggy scum.

8. As well as being probably the best television presenter ever, a 4 time humanitarian of the year winner and a former male model, Jeremy Kyle is also a dab hand at music, he co-wrote N-Dubz second album.

9. Before her tragic death in Paris the Princess of Hearts, Princess Lady Di, had planned to appear on the pilot of the Jeremy Kyle show in a DNA test special.

10. Jeremy Kyle is 52 years old! He puts his young looks down to eating plenty of fresh fruits and a special ointment made from orphan tears and baby panda blood. He goes through a whole pot everyday!

Benefit Britain

1. Benefits were invented by Labour prime minister Clement Attlee, the great communist bastard.

2. Five hundred benefits are claimed in Britain every second. In fact in the time it has taken to read this fact close to a billion pounds in benefit money will have been paid to scum in tracksuits. 

3. Benefits are taken from the government, but where does the government get its money from? Your taxes, that's jolly well where!

4. Like most of Britain's richest men, Richard Branson has his many businesses registered in Switzerland and as a result pays very little in tax to the UK government. Richard does this to ensure his hard earned money isn't given to scroungers.

5. Anyone who is unable to work for any reason is eligible for benefits in the UK. But a staggering unknown percentage are claimed solely by people who are brown or speak with an accent.

6. One foreign family from central London have scammed countless millions from the UK tax payer, they've never done an honest days work in their lives and yet they drive around in chauffeur driven Bentleys eating diamond sandwiches and quaffing liquid gold, all paid for by you!

7. Benefit scandals get ordinary honest white, I mean British, folks all wound up. So it is natural that many tabloid papers exploit this to sell their hack shit. However one overly inflammatory headline from the Sun last year meant that Portsmouth pediatrician Dr. Benny Fitz was beaten to within an inch of his life.

8. Britain is a soft bloody touch and foreigners know that they can come here and get a free ride. But what pays for that free ride? You guessed it... benefits. 

9. Chanel 4 recently came under harsh criticism from OFCOM for its knee-jerk, reactionary, poverty porn, hate-umentary 'Benefit Street', for using slick editing techniques to make all people on benefits seem like greasy turds. But bosses at Chanel 4 were keen to remind viewers that there is no smoke without fire.

10. If every one on benefits got a job, the UK would be so rich that none of us would ever have to work again.

Computers

1. The computer was invented in 1943 by Alan Turing. It's first task was to deliver high grade pornography to our brave boys battling fritz over seas.

2. Unlike today where a computer could fit in the ear of a small dog, early computers were the size of a 4 bedroom house, with a mouse the size of a Volvo. 

3. Edgar T Fartcrack of Austin Texas was the first man to legally marry a computer, when he wed his Commodore C-16 in August 1989. They celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary later this year.

4. The world of Science Fiction would have us believe computers are all evil, like in the Matrix or Lawnmower Man but some are really good like Ziggy in Quantum Leap or Holly from Red Dwarf.

5. Computers are made from screens and keyboards and are powered by electricity. But really computers run on a complicated maths called algorithms.  

6. Computers are only for nerds and geeks, or are they? The human brain is a sort of meat computer and we all have one.

7. IBM spent billions of dollars developing Deep Blue to beat chess champ Garry Kasperov, but they failed epically when they neglected to give the computer arms to move the pieces.

8. Computers are incredibly common in today's world, from offices to home offices they're everywhere. Scientists at NASA are now even attempting to send a computer in to space.  

9. Computers have been banned in North Korea ever since 1992 when then Leader Kim Jong Il got so infuriated with Mortal Kombat he forbid their use under penalty of death.

10. Computicians from MIT predict that in 20 years people will fuse with computers, but it will be really cool like a terminator not creepy like Stephen Hawkins.

Coca-Cola

1. Coca-Cola is one of the world's most famous brands. One key reason for its place in the public conscience is that it sponsors many of the world's leading sporting events. Despite Coke being a kind of sweet fizzy poison.

2. Whilst in office, former prime minister Margaret Thatcher consumed over 30 cans of the famous fizzy pop a day. The high caffeine intake meant she only required 2 hours of sleep per night. Giving her lots more time to be a great shitting bastard. 

3. Coke was originally sold as a tonic in its early days, it's main ingredients were corn syrup and heroin.

4. Such is the acidity of Coke is you leave a lump of coal soaked in the cola drink over night by morning it will be a shining diamond.

5. We all know Jesus by his trademark beard, robe, sandals and thorny crown ensemble, but did you know that this image of Christ first appeared on a Coca-Cola poster from 1943.

6. Coca-Cola make more than just deadly carbonated beverages, the companies portfolio of products ranges from hot water bottles to land mines.

7. Coca-Cola was invented by John Pemberton in 1866, Pemberton was a hate filled man and stumbled upon the closely guarded cola recipe haphazardly, whilst working on an elixir to cure both gay and black.

8. Everyday more than 1.8 billion cans of Coca-Cola are consumed. If all that Coke was contained in one giant can, that can would need to be the size of the planet Saturn. 

9. Coca-Cola has maintained it's place as king of the soft drink market for the last 60 years. It has achieved this through a ruthlessly aggressive marketing policy, including one advert aired during the 1987 Super Bowl where the then CEO, Barnus Clataschnap threatened to kill a helpless child unless everybody immediately went out and bought some Coke. The demand was met but Clataschnap executed the kid anyway.

10. A controversial partnership in 2007 meant that for 3 years bread and Coke Zero were taken as the transubstantiation for the blood and body of Christ in all Catholic Churches.

Osama Bin Laden

1. From 1978 to 1984 Osama Bin Laden played bass in Bruce Springsteen's backing group the E Street Band.

2. Osama Bin Laden was one of capitalism's biggest critics and advisories, but what was the drive for this disdain towards our growth model economy? Well it all stemmed from season 1 of The Apprentice when he was fired in episode 4 for thinking a ramekin was a type of expensive towel in the shopping list task.

3. Osama Bin Laden was a reputable athlete in his day. He was an under 14 regional badminton Champion and he was a green belt at karate. 

4. The Bin Laden family are one of the wealthiest and most influential of all Arab dynasties. They earned their notoriety as a travelling family band, playing Country and Western music. 

5. Osama Bin Laden is most commonly seen in blurry home videos about Allah and stuff, recorded in caves. But he famously appeared in high definition when he was guest host of the Friday Night Project in 2009.

6. Ever since he was a boy Osama Bin Laden has been a huge fan of professional wrestling. His favorite wrestler is the Undertaker.

7. The spoof movie Airplane! is Bin Laden's most loved film, he has seen it over 500 times. Sources close to the Taliban leader revealed that he was perplexed as to why his own brand of aviation hi jinx in 2001 had gone down so badly.

8. Osama Bin Laden is famous for 2 reasons, his tyrannical reign of terror and his amazing beard. However since a chip pan fire in 1994 that famous face fuzz has been a chin wig.

9. Osama Bin Laden lived in the UK for a period in his late 20s. He came to London in 1979 to join the flourishing alternative comedy scene, viewing himself as a radicalised fundamental Muslim Ben Elton.  

10. After Osama Bin Laden was assassinated by the CIA he was given a speedy sea burial. Many people found this deeply suspicious but it wasn't and Osama Bin Laden isn't now working for the Americans from a secret facility miles underneath Washington DC.

Top Gear

1. Top Gear hasn't always had it's current format of laddish banter, light entertainment and xenophobic paranoia.  It used to be a consumer show about cars.

2. For many years the true identity of the Stig had been open to here say. That was until it was surprisingly revealed to be Eastenders pinup Dean Gaffeny in his controversial autobiography 'Enoch Powell & Me; the Robbie Jackson Story'. 

3. The key demographic for Top Gear are white British males aged 18 to 45 who vote UKIP and drive cars, but a staggering 23% of the viewing figures are made up of women and not all of them lesbians.

4. When the recession hit in 2008 the BBC had to make drastic budget cuts. As a consequence all the outside broadcast footage from season 5 were just the cut scenes from Gran Turismo 2 on playstation. 

5. Top Gear is sold by the BBC to every country in the world, but to ensure the format retains it's integrity teams of translators work tirelessly to make all the racist slurs regionally appropriate. For example Irael's version of Jeremy Clarkson thinks the Palestinians make substandard hatchbacks and surrender prematurely in wars.

6. When the change in law was made regarding same sex couples adopting children in 2012 Jeremy Clarkson and James May legally adopted Richard Hammond.

7. Jeremy Clarkson famously hates motorbikes, but why? Well whilst in his early 20s on a day trip to Blackpool Jeremy was mugged by a Kawasaki 903 Z1. The motorbike was black. I'm just saying.

8. Top Gear has helped launch the career of presenter James May to unprecedented heights, but little is known about the quintessential English gent. This is mainly because James May is actually a king Charles spaniel voiced by ventriliquist Ray Alan. 

9. Every episode of Top Gear has the brilliant 'star in a reasonably priced car' section.  All except for episode 6 of season 4 when serial killer Rose West, who posted an impressive 1 minute 49 seconds (In wet conditions) was pulled by censors. 

10. Jeremy Clarkson has always courted controversy for his narrow minded, xenophobic, and occasionally racist comments, this is because he is a cunt hidden under the gossamer thin veil of a dick. 

Pope Francis

1. Pope Francis only converted to Catholicism in 1982. Prior to that he had thought the whole thing was a load of old bollocks.  

2. Unlike previous Pope Joseph Ratzenberger-Palpatine, Pope Francis has no direct ties to to the Nazi Party. But as a boy in his native Argentina he would have befriended the children of the many Nazi war criminals who fled to South America. A school photo of Pope Francis with a 'Miguel Himler' have been discredited by a Vatican statement which read 'whatever'.

3. Pope Francis is the most liberal Pope in many years, he has even put forward plans for the fires of hell to be turned down for the gays that welcome the love of Jesus and accept their abhorrent wrongs upon death.

4. Before becoming gods representative on earth Pope Francis worked many different jobs, most famously as a nite club bouncer. But one job he has tried to keep quiet was the 4 years he spent backing Prince as Brenda Bennett in 80's girl band Vanity 6. 

5. In an attempt to make the Catholic Church more appealing to young people, Pope Francis recorded a rap album. However the Pope's liberal use of the N-word meant the record was pulled from shelves after just 24 hours.

6. The Catholic Church is an archaic institute built on corruption, bloodshed, abuse of power and evil. But new Pope Francis can ride a motorbike and play electric guitar.

7. The Catholic Church has recently come under intense criticism for its needless decadence. Keen to address this issue and remind the world that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is a rich man to get in to heaven, Pope Francis has erected a 500foot gold statue of a tramp, and for a mere €5000 donation to the church you can see a photo of it.

8. The child abuse scandal that has rocked the Vatican for several years has led many people to believe all priests are kiddy diddlers, but not our Pope. In a 2010 interview whilst still a cardinal and leader of the church's 'prayers against Muslims' scheme, Pope Francis quipped; "Paedophilia? Never. I may have toyed with beastiality and dabbled with some necrophilia, but you have to draw the line somewhere".

9. As Pope he has the privilege of a direct line of communication with God. But in efforts to save money Pope Francis will often drop God a cheeky one ringer, and get God to call him back. 

10. As we all know when you become Pope get one free choice of a saint. When asked who he was going canonize Pope Francis controversially selected anti-theist and critic of the church, Christopher Hitchens. He had mistaken him for the actor Timothy Spall who worryingly isn't dead or a Catholic. 

Dolphins

1. Dolphins are a fish, but unlike other fishes the lady ones have boobs so they are actually mammals. 

2. Along with Swans and Corgis, Dolphins are protected under royal law, and the maximum penalty for dolphicide is beheading. This has been common law of the British empire since 1867 when Queen Victoria birthed a child which looked like a dolphin.

3. Though often thought to be gentle, peace loving sea creatures in 1937 a dolphin led the Turkish military forces against the Dersim Rebellion. Resulting in the deaths of 70,000 innocent men and women.

4. Dolphins can live in the sea or in fresh water, however most dolphins can be found on the jumpers of lonely middle aged women.

5. In the 2003 invasion of Iraq, the US military utilised dolphins high intelligence levels and deployed them to sweep for mines and look for submarines. However the plan backfired dramatically when it became evident that all dolphins hold fundamental Islamic principals and sympathised greatly with the Iraqi cause. At one time estimates suggested that 30% of the Ba'ath party were dolphins or other cetaceans.   

6. Everybody loves dolphins... except for the Japanese that is. Every year the Japanese brutally slaughter over 600,000 dolphins. Last year the Japanese first minister Yakido Tetsuo was asked by a G8 environmental committee 'Why do the Japanese kill so many dolphins?' The minister put forward a very strong argument that dolphins are cunts, and the committee seemed appeased. 

7. Every year commercial fisherman trawling for tuna catch and kill thousands of innocent dolphins. The problem is easily avoidable, but as Jesus was a fisherman nothing is done as it must be gods will or something.

8. Dolphins are thought to be the most intelligent creature on earth, so to combat flagging ratings in 2002 Chris Tarrant held a 'dolphin special' of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. The hot lights of the studio however proved to much and the dolphin died, ironically with all 3 lifelines still intact.

9. Actor Jim Carrey has cetaceaphobia, or put simply a fear of dolphins. As a result Snowflake the Miami Dolphins dolphin from hit movie Ace Ventura Pet Detective was played by a school of goldfish painted grey swimming in unison. 

10. Dolphins unlike stupid animals like dogs or badgers have highly evolved communication and social skills, and last year over one thousand dolphins opened twitter accounts, the most common dolphin hashtags were #fuckjapan and #iheartflipper. 

Britain's Fat Kids

1. The first recorded case of fat-child in the UK was Lambeth born Billy Cheesegrill. In 1990 aged just 7 years old Billy weighed in at an impressive 13 stones and 4 pounds. However, it was only diagnosed by doctors as fat-child in 1992, prior to that Billy was assumed to be an orca whale or a small hill.

2. Fat children have been a problem in the USA since the war of independence. Where as an act of defiance against British rule, children would dress up buffalo like King George and consume them with butter.

3. In 1977, children's show, Blue Peter weighed every child in Britain on massive scales for the Jubilee, and the average weight per child was a healthy 5 stone. In 2012 the feat was recreated and the scales actually broke! Also 907 children died of blubber related injuries and crushing.

4. Scientists predict that if childhood obesity levels continue to rise at the current rate, by the year 2034 the average human baby will be born the size of fat cunt Eric Pickles. 

5. One upshot to the increase of unsightly fat children is a parallel decrease in paedophilia. As although children are easier to catch they are considerably less desirable to creepy men in dirty macs hanging around playgrounds.

6. In 2010 four year old Tilly Fudgewings, of Oldham, was the youngest recipient of gastric band treatment. However so bad was Tilly's sugar and lard addiction that in 2011 she removed her own gastric band with a pair of ELC safety scissors and went on a pie binge. Tilly's current whereabouts are unknown.

7. In 1999 a Labour initiative to combat childhood plumposity by supplying heroin to primary schools was trialled in Glasgow. However the scheme gave Tony Blair a political black eye when all the kids sold the heroin to their parents and bought deep fried Mars bars.

8. A study in to the impact fast food marketing policies have had on our ever expanding youth undertaken by McDonald's last year, showed that it had little to nothing to do with it.

9. Until the intervention of self righteous chef and bellend Jamie Oliver the average school dinner in the UK was an entire pig fried in syrup and lard served with 2lbs of processed cheese, a pint of double cream and an entire Wall's Vieneta. 

10. Due to a 2006 error in the way Cream Eggs were taxed, each fat child in the UK was offered a rebate of £150. However in order to deter the claimants, then chancellor, Gordon Brown put the cheques 'a short walk away'. No claims were made.

Scotch Independence

1. Scotland has actually been a country in its own right since the 1976 Royal Variety Show where the Krankies, in the words of the Queen, "fucking smashed it". The Duke of Edinburgh was later heard to have quipped "that sexy boy and his groomer deserve a nation of their own". Weeks later Scotland was opened to the public.

2. Scotland's biggest export is mountains. Every year over 13 mountains are made and sold to flatter nations.

3. Scotch first Minister Alexander Salmons started the independence movement after booking tickets to the filming of the Russ Abbott show in 1988. After a wrong turn at BBC television centre he ended up in the Kilroy studio and was so insensed at missing national icon Abbott, that he blamed the Queen. Why he did this is a mystery.

4. Official records show that the population of Scotland is close to 5 million. However the actual number is thought to be far higher as many Scottish live on mountains and no one has bothered counting them as they can't be arsed with the climb.

5. In an effort to placate the Scottish nationalists the Royal Mint have produced a series of £2 coins which feature the face of Jockey Wilson instead of the Queen.  The coins are due for release in late August.

6. Although commonly thought to have been the result of a branding companies first foray in to abbreviated text slang, popular Scottish tooth-rot IrnBru was actually named due to the letter famine of 1866, after huge taxes were put on the letters O, E, and W by the grdy fcking cnt Nglish.

7. Although Scotland is the land of Scotts, Scott is actually only the 4th most popular boys name and comes in an unimpressive 6th for girls.

8. Scotland make up roughly 8% of the United Kingdom, however they account for a staggering 97% of the heroin and shortbread consumption.

9. Many of the world's best loved inventions hail from Scotland and they have produced some of Western societies greatest thinkers and scientists. But strangely, for political issues, they will instinctively turn to actors and shit comedians - who spend nearly all their time in England - for advice.

10. A liberated Scotland will mean a new design for the Union Jack, the government are preemptively looking at designs, however it is rumoured that a Banksy style stencil of the Queen weeing on some bagpipes is a firm favourite.