Pope Francis

1. Pope Francis only converted to Catholicism in 1982. Prior to that he had thought the whole thing was a load of old bollocks.  

2. Unlike previous Pope Joseph Ratzenberger-Palpatine, Pope Francis has no direct ties to to the Nazi Party. But as a boy in his native Argentina he would have befriended the children of the many Nazi war criminals who fled to South America. A school photo of Pope Francis with a 'Miguel Himler' have been discredited by a Vatican statement which read 'whatever'.

3. Pope Francis is the most liberal Pope in many years, he has even put forward plans for the fires of hell to be turned down for the gays that welcome the love of Jesus and accept their abhorrent wrongs upon death.

4. Before becoming gods representative on earth Pope Francis worked many different jobs, most famously as a nite club bouncer. But one job he has tried to keep quiet was the 4 years he spent backing Prince as Brenda Bennett in 80's girl band Vanity 6. 

5. In an attempt to make the Catholic Church more appealing to young people, Pope Francis recorded a rap album. However the Pope's liberal use of the N-word meant the record was pulled from shelves after just 24 hours.

6. The Catholic Church is an archaic institute built on corruption, bloodshed, abuse of power and evil. But new Pope Francis can ride a motorbike and play electric guitar.

7. The Catholic Church has recently come under intense criticism for its needless decadence. Keen to address this issue and remind the world that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is a rich man to get in to heaven, Pope Francis has erected a 500foot gold statue of a tramp, and for a mere €5000 donation to the church you can see a photo of it.

8. The child abuse scandal that has rocked the Vatican for several years has led many people to believe all priests are kiddy diddlers, but not our Pope. In a 2010 interview whilst still a cardinal and leader of the church's 'prayers against Muslims' scheme, Pope Francis quipped; "Paedophilia? Never. I may have toyed with beastiality and dabbled with some necrophilia, but you have to draw the line somewhere".

9. As Pope he has the privilege of a direct line of communication with God. But in efforts to save money Pope Francis will often drop God a cheeky one ringer, and get God to call him back. 

10. As we all know when you become Pope get one free choice of a saint. When asked who he was going canonize Pope Francis controversially selected anti-theist and critic of the church, Christopher Hitchens. He had mistaken him for the actor Timothy Spall who worryingly isn't dead or a Catholic.