Flight MH370

1. Flight MH370 took off at exactly 06:06:06 in the morning, but contact was not lost until 3 hours and 5 minutes later at 09:11. 

2. All but one of the 277 passengers on the mystery airliner had either been to America or were familiar with aspects of the nations culture.

3. Book rights to the Flight MH370 saga have been purchased by the publishing house of histories worst writer, Dan Brown. Brown is expected to once again resurrect the character of Robert Langdon and have him enter a series of poorly written aviation themed adventures involving the illuminati or the catholics or something.

4. One of the passengers on board the aircraft was noted UFO expert Sandown Rustypeace. Before he took his flight Rustypeace left his mother a frantic voice mail claiming he was being followed by 'Lizard People'. His mother didn't report the message as she claims "He leaves me messages with that kind of shit all the time, he's mental in his head box".

5. One unlikely scoop from Hollywood celeb blogger, Perez Hilton, proved that the whole missing plane saga was a publicity stunt performed by actor and comedian Steve Carell promoting his new movie Despicable Me 3.

6. One documents leaked by Julian Assange's Wikileaks showed that the mind control drugs used in 'chemtrails' were manufactured in Malaysia. 

7 As Malaysia is a largely Muslim nation a link to terrorism was considered a highly likely possibility. However FBI head of anti-terrorism, Jebidiah Kindred Jr, ruled this out as an option and calmed fears when he released the following statement "The bad ones are brown and not yellow, so we should be fine".

8. The logo of Malaysian Airlines is a pryimid with an eye in it, on top of a Star of David, below a swastika, with a crucifix to the left and a dollar sign to the right. The background is 2 towers and a grassy knoll. 

9. In an effort to prevent further airliner mishaps Malaysian Airlines have handed copies of the movie Airplane to all its pilots. I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.

10. One document released last week proved that the US government has actually owned and operated aircraft, with records going back as far as to the 1940s.