Scotch Independence

1. Scotland has actually been a country in its own right since the 1976 Royal Variety Show where the Krankies, in the words of the Queen, "fucking smashed it". The Duke of Edinburgh was later heard to have quipped "that sexy boy and his groomer deserve a nation of their own". Weeks later Scotland was opened to the public.

2. Scotland's biggest export is mountains. Every year over 13 mountains are made and sold to flatter nations.

3. Scotch first Minister Alexander Salmons started the independence movement after booking tickets to the filming of the Russ Abbott show in 1988. After a wrong turn at BBC television centre he ended up in the Kilroy studio and was so insensed at missing national icon Abbott, that he blamed the Queen. Why he did this is a mystery.

4. Official records show that the population of Scotland is close to 5 million. However the actual number is thought to be far higher as many Scottish live on mountains and no one has bothered counting them as they can't be arsed with the climb.

5. In an effort to placate the Scottish nationalists the Royal Mint have produced a series of £2 coins which feature the face of Jockey Wilson instead of the Queen.  The coins are due for release in late August.

6. Although commonly thought to have been the result of a branding companies first foray in to abbreviated text slang, popular Scottish tooth-rot IrnBru was actually named due to the letter famine of 1866, after huge taxes were put on the letters O, E, and W by the grdy fcking cnt Nglish.

7. Although Scotland is the land of Scotts, Scott is actually only the 4th most popular boys name and comes in an unimpressive 6th for girls.

8. Scotland make up roughly 8% of the United Kingdom, however they account for a staggering 97% of the heroin and shortbread consumption.

9. Many of the world's best loved inventions hail from Scotland and they have produced some of Western societies greatest thinkers and scientists. But strangely, for political issues, they will instinctively turn to actors and shit comedians - who spend nearly all their time in England - for advice.

10. A liberated Scotland will mean a new design for the Union Jack, the government are preemptively looking at designs, however it is rumoured that a Banksy style stencil of the Queen weeing on some bagpipes is a firm favourite.