1. Dolphins are a fish, but unlike other fishes the lady ones have boobs so they are actually mammals.
2. Along with Swans and Corgis, Dolphins are protected under royal law, and the maximum penalty for dolphicide is beheading. This has been common law of the British empire since 1867 when Queen Victoria birthed a child which looked like a dolphin.
3. Though often thought to be gentle, peace loving sea creatures in 1937 a dolphin led the Turkish military forces against the Dersim Rebellion. Resulting in the deaths of 70,000 innocent men and women.
4. Dolphins can live in the sea or in fresh water, however most dolphins can be found on the jumpers of lonely middle aged women.
5. In the 2003 invasion of Iraq, the US military utilised dolphins high intelligence levels and deployed them to sweep for mines and look for submarines. However the plan backfired dramatically when it became evident that all dolphins hold fundamental Islamic principals and sympathised greatly with the Iraqi cause. At one time estimates suggested that 30% of the Ba'ath party were dolphins or other cetaceans.
6. Everybody loves dolphins... except for the Japanese that is. Every year the Japanese brutally slaughter over 600,000 dolphins. Last year the Japanese first minister Yakido Tetsuo was asked by a G8 environmental committee 'Why do the Japanese kill so many dolphins?' The minister put forward a very strong argument that dolphins are cunts, and the committee seemed appeased.
7. Every year commercial fisherman trawling for tuna catch and kill thousands of innocent dolphins. The problem is easily avoidable, but as Jesus was a fisherman nothing is done as it must be gods will or something.
8. Dolphins are thought to be the most intelligent creature on earth, so to combat flagging ratings in 2002 Chris Tarrant held a 'dolphin special' of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. The hot lights of the studio however proved to much and the dolphin died, ironically with all 3 lifelines still intact.
9. Actor Jim Carrey has cetaceaphobia, or put simply a fear of dolphins. As a result Snowflake the Miami Dolphins dolphin from hit movie Ace Ventura Pet Detective was played by a school of goldfish painted grey swimming in unison.
10. Dolphins unlike stupid animals like dogs or badgers have highly evolved communication and social skills, and last year over one thousand dolphins opened twitter accounts, the most common dolphin hashtags were #fuckjapan and #iheartflipper.
Flipper, the most famous of Dolphins, was said to be addicted to fish crack and refused to speak to any other members of the cast.
ReplyDeleteIt is also rumoured that he had a stunt double for those difficult jump and flip around out of the water scenes.
For those wondering why Japan hates dolphins;
ReplyDeletehttp://heredago.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/20091101220358south_parks_enola_gay.jpg
Not alot of people know it but they also have quite a sporting history. One of the greatest NFL quarterbacks of all time was apparently a Dolphin named Marino. Put that in yer blowhole and smoke it.
ReplyDeleteAnd Jim Carrey was so scared of him, Dan Marino was played by some wood with a face scratched in it in the movie Ace Ventura Pet Detective.
ReplyDeleteI remember that film it was the one were that dude Sean Young played a female that had a cock that Jim almost did it with.
ReplyDeleteIronicaly the girl he did it with was named Cox.
Coincidence?
Probably.
Ok son but is Rebecca Adlington actually half dolphin?
ReplyDeleteIs the next one 10 facts about a fat Scottish kid who ride to independence on the back of a dolphin
What definition of 'fact' are you using Paul? I've tried to check your information using wikipedia, encyclopedia blogtanicca and porn hub and I can't seem to trace your sources.
ReplyDelete