Britain's Fat Kids

1. The first recorded case of fat-child in the UK was Lambeth born Billy Cheesegrill. In 1990 aged just 7 years old Billy weighed in at an impressive 13 stones and 4 pounds. However, it was only diagnosed by doctors as fat-child in 1992, prior to that Billy was assumed to be an orca whale or a small hill.

2. Fat children have been a problem in the USA since the war of independence. Where as an act of defiance against British rule, children would dress up buffalo like King George and consume them with butter.

3. In 1977, children's show, Blue Peter weighed every child in Britain on massive scales for the Jubilee, and the average weight per child was a healthy 5 stone. In 2012 the feat was recreated and the scales actually broke! Also 907 children died of blubber related injuries and crushing.

4. Scientists predict that if childhood obesity levels continue to rise at the current rate, by the year 2034 the average human baby will be born the size of fat cunt Eric Pickles. 

5. One upshot to the increase of unsightly fat children is a parallel decrease in paedophilia. As although children are easier to catch they are considerably less desirable to creepy men in dirty macs hanging around playgrounds.

6. In 2010 four year old Tilly Fudgewings, of Oldham, was the youngest recipient of gastric band treatment. However so bad was Tilly's sugar and lard addiction that in 2011 she removed her own gastric band with a pair of ELC safety scissors and went on a pie binge. Tilly's current whereabouts are unknown.

7. In 1999 a Labour initiative to combat childhood plumposity by supplying heroin to primary schools was trialled in Glasgow. However the scheme gave Tony Blair a political black eye when all the kids sold the heroin to their parents and bought deep fried Mars bars.

8. A study in to the impact fast food marketing policies have had on our ever expanding youth undertaken by McDonald's last year, showed that it had little to nothing to do with it.

9. Until the intervention of self righteous chef and bellend Jamie Oliver the average school dinner in the UK was an entire pig fried in syrup and lard served with 2lbs of processed cheese, a pint of double cream and an entire Wall's Vieneta. 

10. Due to a 2006 error in the way Cream Eggs were taxed, each fat child in the UK was offered a rebate of £150. However in order to deter the claimants, then chancellor, Gordon Brown put the cheques 'a short walk away'. No claims were made.