Vladimir Putin

1. Putin in Russia means "bear killer". When young Vladimir was just a boy of 5 he killed his first bear with, funnily enough, his father's bear shooting rifle.

2. Every August 15th is National Putin day in Russia. The celebrations last 24 hours. Anyone who stops celebrating in that time is executed violently.

3. Vladimir Putin has for the last 11 years been voted the most handsome man in Russia.

4. Vladimir Putin loves hunting but hates gays. One of his favourite things to do is empty his loaded weapon up a gay and have him mounted.

5. In order to prove his manliness and to avenge the wrongs committed on his proud nation by the USA, Vladimir Putin defeated Rocky actor Sylvester Stalone in a charity boxing match.

6. Vladimir Putin has the world's largest collection of Troll Dolls. He has over 75,000 of the big haired little fuckers.

7. Once his political career comes to an end Vladimir Putin has his eyes set firmly on being a Hollywood star. He even makes a cameo in the upcoming Rob Schneider movie "the thinnest premise".

8. Vladimir Putin allegedly has the largest penis in Russia. He bought it at auction a decade ago and it takes centre stage at his lavish Moscow residence. 

9. Vladimir Putin has always been a huge comic book fan. A reported 40% of Russia's defence budget is spent on radioactive spiders and gamma radiation blasts to try and give the president his own super powers.

10. Vladimir Putin is a renowned philanthropist, since he became president the number of homeless people in Russia has plummeted. This is because it's illegal to be homeless and the punishment is extermination.

Cocaine

1. Cocaine was invented in 1980 by Brian De Palma as a plot device for the movie Scarface.

2. Cocaine was popularised in the late 1800s when employers would give it to their workers to improve their productivity. A practice still employed by record labels and banks to this very day.

3. Cocaine has several medicinal properties and for generations has been used as a treatment for all manner of ailments. This practice was stopped however as the side effects of the drug make you an annoying, smug, overly intense cockjob.

4. Every year international drugs agencies seize over 500 million tonnes of cocaine from drug smugglers. If all that cocaine was cut in to one line you would need a rolled up tenner the size of Ohio to snort it up.

5. Actress Daniella Westbrooke was so addicted to cocaine she lost her septum. She sold it on the black market to Chinese herbalists. It is believed that the septum of the white woman has remarkable healing powers and as such fetches a huge price.

6. The most famous drug dealer of all time was cocaine King Pablo Escabar. At one point he controlled 80% of the world's cocaine market. What is not so well known about the Prince of sniff Escabar is that he played left back for West Bromwich Albion from 1967 to 1969.

7. 96 % of UK bank notes contain trace amounts of cocaine. If all the coke from every bank note was stacked up, you could cut a line that would stretch from London to New York.

8. Cocaine comes from the leaves of the Coca plant in South America. For over a thousand years the indigenous people's of South America have rolled up fivers and snorted the leaves.

9. The cocaine market has an estimated revenue stream of over 900 billion dollars per year. If it were a single corporation it would be bigger than all of the FT500 companies put together.

10. Until 1934 cocaine in the UK was legal and commonly practiced. To see two young boys racking up a line of Coke before school or a vicar hoovering up blow from a strippers tits would have been no strange occurrence.

The Beatles

1. The Beatles earned their fame as part of Liverpool's swinging Mersey Beat scene. But when they originally formed they were a Slayer tribute act.

2. The Beatles had a famous rivalry with fellow rockers The Rolling Stones. The pop beef started when Stones guitarist Keith Richards killed original Beatles drummer Pete Best in a bare knuckle boxing match.

3. John Lenon caused outrage when he claimed that the Beatles were 'bigger than jesus'. Jesus was so mad at the Fab 4 he summoned the demon, Yoko Ono, from her thousand year slumber to destroy the band.

4. Though popular belief is that it is a song inspired by hallucinogenic drug LSD,  'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds', was really inspired by a painting Paul McCartney's daughter had drawn at school. The Beatles had earlier penned a drug themed song with their ode to Rohipnal, Love Me Do.

5. Before being signed by Parlaphone The Beatles were famously turned down at the audition stages of Britain's Got Talent. 

6. Many believe producer George Martin deserved much of the credit for the Beatles seminal studio album 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band'. This is because he played all the instruments and did all the singing on the album as The Beatles were mashed up on drugs and shit.

7. Paul McCartney was really good mates with the Prince of Pedo Pop Michael Jackson. Macca gave Jacko some savvy business advice to buy the rights to hit records, and Jackson promptly purchased the whole Beatles back catalogue. McCartney was furious as the only song he didn't buy was Hey Jude. To this day this is the only Beatles song Macca can legally perform live. So he does a 50 minute fucking awful version at every event that ever happens, the cunt.

8. George Harrison famously died in a go-kart accident in 1968 and was replaced by Cheers actress Rhea Pearlman. 

9. The song Eleanor Rigby was based on the life of Florence Nightingale, who did keep a face in a jar by the door, for most of her adult life. 

10. When Beatlemania hit the United States in 1964 a state of martial law was declared. In the the bloodshed that followed over a thousand men lost their lives and many, many more were injured and had their lives torn apart.

Flight MH370

1. Flight MH370 took off at exactly 06:06:06 in the morning, but contact was not lost until 3 hours and 5 minutes later at 09:11. 

2. All but one of the 277 passengers on the mystery airliner had either been to America or were familiar with aspects of the nations culture.

3. Book rights to the Flight MH370 saga have been purchased by the publishing house of histories worst writer, Dan Brown. Brown is expected to once again resurrect the character of Robert Langdon and have him enter a series of poorly written aviation themed adventures involving the illuminati or the catholics or something.

4. One of the passengers on board the aircraft was noted UFO expert Sandown Rustypeace. Before he took his flight Rustypeace left his mother a frantic voice mail claiming he was being followed by 'Lizard People'. His mother didn't report the message as she claims "He leaves me messages with that kind of shit all the time, he's mental in his head box".

5. One unlikely scoop from Hollywood celeb blogger, Perez Hilton, proved that the whole missing plane saga was a publicity stunt performed by actor and comedian Steve Carell promoting his new movie Despicable Me 3.

6. One documents leaked by Julian Assange's Wikileaks showed that the mind control drugs used in 'chemtrails' were manufactured in Malaysia. 

7 As Malaysia is a largely Muslim nation a link to terrorism was considered a highly likely possibility. However FBI head of anti-terrorism, Jebidiah Kindred Jr, ruled this out as an option and calmed fears when he released the following statement "The bad ones are brown and not yellow, so we should be fine".

8. The logo of Malaysian Airlines is a pryimid with an eye in it, on top of a Star of David, below a swastika, with a crucifix to the left and a dollar sign to the right. The background is 2 towers and a grassy knoll. 

9. In an effort to prevent further airliner mishaps Malaysian Airlines have handed copies of the movie Airplane to all its pilots. I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.

10. One document released last week proved that the US government has actually owned and operated aircraft, with records going back as far as to the 1940s. 

Hippies

1. Although most famous for their actions in the 1960s hippies have actually been around longer than most of us think. Primitive cave paintings found in France last year clearly show ill informed morons with placards. 

2. We all know that Bob Dylan was the best hippy ever, but who was the worst? Well in 1962 a young Margaret Thatcher was the first and only person to ever be kicked out of the Oxford Association of Hippies. The then future PM is rumoured to have enraged fellow hippies when she turned up at a 'Ban The Bomb' rally and immediately blew up 26 children with a grenade.

3. In 1975 Canadian, Bisto Sandblaster, was supposed to be the first hippy in space. The mission was cancelled though as everyone just got high and listened to the crunchy grooves of Fleetwood Mac. 

4. The richest hippy of all time was Apple Mac Daddy, Steve Jobs. Despite his shrewd business acumen he still held all the principles and values of a real hippy. Apart from the ones about having 5 year old slave labourers building phones in Taiwanese factories. 

5. Hippies are notorious for their repugnant odour, but have you ever wondered why? The reason for the famous stench is because all hippies are born with an inherent fear of soap. 

6. 1967 saw a breakthrough for hippies when Agnes Bumhole became the first ever female hippy. It would be 20 more years before blacks were allowed to join and even today many hippy sects across the world will not allow Jews amongst their ranks.

7. Hippies have a natural disdain for corporations. This is ever since the famous Wall Street crash when a suicidal banker plumped 60 stories and destroyed a hippies parked VW camper.

8. Although often credited to the successes of the D-Day landings and the Russian push on Berlin, World War II's end was really brought about by an enormous drum circle.

9. Most hippies are vegetarian, scientists believe this is why they are all so weak and ineffective. 

10. Although it's origins were rooted in a message of peace and understanding of all of earth's creatures, hippies do occasionally disagree with one another. The best example of this would be the "hippy civil wars" of the mid 1990s. Where a disagreement over ponchos led to the deaths of 120,000 hippies.

Farming

1. Britain is a proud agricultural nation. The earliest British farms date all the way back to 1867.

2. Organic farmers have been proven to have the same nutritional value as farmers grown using pesticides.

3. Animal Farm by George Orwell was about a bunch of critters taking over a farm. But it was really a scathing parable of the Clinton administration.   

4. The Darling Buds of May followed the exploits of farming family the Larkins.  But it was really a scathing parable of the Russian Revolution. 

5. Due to the increased demand of an ever growing population and the continuous need for competitive pricing amongst big supermarket chains, many of Britain's farmers have fallen upon hard times lately. Many even having to sell their holiday homes in the Caribbean and pawn the diamonds from their pimped out tractors.

6. In the 1990s farmers forced cannibalism upon their cows, when in order to save money on expensive cow food, like grass, they fed minced beef to their cattle. This caused BSE, or mad cow disease. The diseased animals were then slaughtered and sold for human consumption, resulting in the illnesses human form; Creutzfeltd-Jakob Disease. But don't worry the condition lays dormant for 60 years so we've got ages till we have to worry about it.

7. Many farms in the UK go back generations. This is why even though it makes far more economical sense to import most crops from abroad, and the land taken up by farms would resolve the housing crisis which will plague us for the next 20 years, it's still really important to subsidise British farms with tax payers money.

8. Farming is a dying industry in Britain. If you were to go back just a couple of millenia, a staggering 7 out of 10 people were farmers, where as in today's Britain it is only 1 in every 450,000 people. Yet the BBC still churn out Country File like anyone actually gives half a fuck.

9. When you think of a farmer you tend to imagine an out of touch, wealthy, slightly racist and not ashamed to hide it, hick, who shoots anyone who comes within a mile of his shitty field with a dog. But some are really cool because Luke Skywalker was a sort of farmer with his uncle Owen in New Hope, but granted his heart wasn't in it.

10. The most farmed crop in the world is corn. Every year over 75 trillion tonnes are harvested. If all that corn were to be grown in one field it would need to be 89 times bigger than the whole world.

Twitter

1. Twitter as a concept, was developed by Nazi scientists towards the end of the Second World War, so the führer could send moral boosting messages to the brave troops at battle.

2. Current CEO and owner of Twitter, Jack Dorsey, actually won the now successful social media company in a poker game with Nick Hewer in 1997. Apprentice star Hewer had acquired it a week earlier from gypsies who could not cover their bets after Hewer had a big win at the dog fights.

3. Tweets are famously only 140 characters long, but have you ever wondered why? Well it may just be a coincidence, but in all 242 episodes of 'Last of the Summer Wine' exactly 140 characters appear.

4. Twitter was discovered by antiques boffin Jonty Hearnden. He found it in an elderly ladies loft in an early episode of 'Cash in the Attic'. Twitter was unsold at auction, but so taken was Jonty by the social media phenomenon, that he offered a fiver for it and took it home.

5. Twitters hashtag function is brill for anyone looking for Tweets on certain topics. But did you ever wonder what hashtag actually means? Well it comes from the German word häschtagën, which is deeply racist.

6. In spring 2012 Arkansas resident Guthrie P Cupidson was the first man to tweet his own suicide note, before tragically overdosing on a cocktail of Cilitbang and Paracetamol. He only had 3 followers, all of whom were intermittent Twitter users at best.

7. Twitter can be used to spread positive messages and raise awareness for important issues, galvanising public opinion and embracing a free exchange of ideas. But for most people its just a way to talk to girls.

8. In 2013 Her Royal Highness the Queen opened a Twitter account, however it was shut down 2 weeks later as her Majesties frequent antisemitic messages breached the conduct code of the social media giant.

9. Every day an average of 212 billion Tweets are Twittered. If every Tweet was stacked on top of each other it would be as tall as a double decker bus!

10. ITV bosses were heavily criticised by womens right campaigners for their controversial 2010 game show 'Tweet Us Ya Tits'. The show encouraged female viewers to tweet pictures of their boobs with the hashtag #capitalknockers. The reason for the criticism was that hosts Ant and Dec owned Twitter and were getting a pound for every top bollock pic sent in, and often a girl with champion nawks had already been selected to win beforehand. 

Singing

1. The ability to sing comes from human evolution. Like with birds, the better the person can sing, the better the potential for mating and therefore the survival of the species. This is why Michael Ball can make a fanny wet at 50 paces.

2. In today's society, more than at any other time in history, singers are worshipped by the public. A recent government poll indicated that one singers life is considered to have more worth than 20 heart surgeons.

3. It used to take singers a lifetime to have a full career, but thanks to Simon Cowell and modern technology a singer can now complete their entire career in less than 6 months. 

4. Opera singers can famously make glass shatter by hitting the right resonant frequency. Singer David Hasslehoff attempted this at a gig in Berlin in 1989 and ended communism.

5. Jihadist bad boys The Taliban are against all forms of music, especially singing, which is banned in Afghanistan.  This however has not stopped production company Freemantle Media getting it's foot in the door of Afghan telly, they launch their new show in August;The X-Fatwa.

6. Thanks to modern technology we can all be singers. If you are attractive but can't sing you can have your voice manipulated to sound in tune. Alternatively if you can sing but your dog ugly, the addition of a digital sob story helps. 

7. Mafia member and croon legend Frank Sinatra famously said he was born with a song in his heart. His autopsy showed this was what finally killed him. 

8. Music can give the downtrodden a voice to protest the many injustices in the world. Like when tinpot nations who aren't important like Albania or Denmark deliberately give England a low score in the Eurovision Song Contest. 

9. Historians from the Natural History Museum have discovered that ancient civilisations trapped the souls of singers in vinyl discs.

10. Ever since the mid 80's Karaoke has been a mainstay of British culture. But would that be the case if more people knew what Karaoke actually meant in Japanese? Well it probably would be, as Karaoke is Japanese for 'over weight attention seeking fat woman, whose family have been too kind to tell her that she has all the vocal talent of a squirrel in a meat grinder'.

Space

1. Space was invented in the 1600s by Galileo Galilei Figuero when he made the first telescope, before that it was heaven.

2. Space is bigger than the human mind can comprehend, but if you took all of space and flattened it out it would reach to the moon and back 12 times!

3. NASA was set up by the Christian right in the 1950s. The plan was to send a man into heaven before the Russians did.

4. Aliens are commonly depicted as strange creatures from space who want to fight Will Smith and take over America. But really they are grubby foreign chaps who cling to lorry axles.

5. The planet Earth is in the universe which scientists predict is 14.5 billion years old.  Which means god waited 14,499,994,000 years to build earth.

6. On July 20th 1969 a staggering three billion people watched Sir Neil Armstrong walk on the moon. A TV viewing record which stood until the 2009 Eastenders Christmas special where bad guy Archie Mitchell met his demise at the hands of Wellard the dog. 

7. Before the big bang the universe was in a state called singularity, a dense cold nothingness containing no stars, no mass and not even any atoms. The closest thing scientists can relate it to is ITV's Saturday night line up.

8. When you travel in space you move at light speed. This is because in space there is no gravity. Scientists believe that gravity is unique to earth because when Issac Newton was alive he would not have known about space.

9. Space is filled with stars, and each star is part of a different constellation. Constellations are important because when they line up in different ways they effect the lives of ignorant, gullible women who read awful magazines and tabloid papers.

10. In the 1960s American scientists spent millions developing a pen that would work in zero gravity. The whole time the Russians were just using stenographers!

Jeremy Kyle

1. Jeremy Kyle has been helping people his entire life. When he was a boy of no more than 10, he opened a little doctors practice in his garden. Specialising in treatments for playground scrapes and home abortions. 

2. A devout Christian, when Kyle was in his early 20s he went on a missionary trip to Jerusalem, where he was quickly hailed as the new messiah.

3. Jeremy Kyle doesn't stop caring when the cameras stop rolling. In 2009 he opened 'The Jezza Foundation', a charity which has provided over 2000 lower class British citizens with affordable cider and first rate 2 stripe tracksuits.

4. Jeremy Kyle has battled his demons the same as we all have, but unlike the figurative demons of alcoholism or serial adultery dealt with on his show, JK actually battled real demons, as he spent 3 years as an exorcist. 

5. Jeremy Kyle has come under criticism from many for his exploitation of the problems faced by nieve, under educated people trapped in a never ending spiral of abuse. Well if a free night in a hotel in Manchester and a crate of cider is exploitation, sign me up.

6. Jeremy Kyle is not afraid of confrontation because he is an experienced cage fighter, trained in many disciplines of the martial arts. Those two lunking meatheads he has on stage when he taunts a man in a tracksuit who failed a DNA test, are only there to balance the studios feng-shui. 

7. Jeremy has been routinely questioned about his harsh treatment of drug addicts on the show. This methodology is confusing to many as JK himself has for many years had a gambling addiction. But gambling is not illegal, and it was only ever a flutter, it never got out of hand and he can quit anytime he wants. Not like druggy scum.

8. As well as being probably the best television presenter ever, a 4 time humanitarian of the year winner and a former male model, Jeremy Kyle is also a dab hand at music, he co-wrote N-Dubz second album.

9. Before her tragic death in Paris the Princess of Hearts, Princess Lady Di, had planned to appear on the pilot of the Jeremy Kyle show in a DNA test special.

10. Jeremy Kyle is 52 years old! He puts his young looks down to eating plenty of fresh fruits and a special ointment made from orphan tears and baby panda blood. He goes through a whole pot everyday!

Benefit Britain

1. Benefits were invented by Labour prime minister Clement Attlee, the great communist bastard.

2. Five hundred benefits are claimed in Britain every second. In fact in the time it has taken to read this fact close to a billion pounds in benefit money will have been paid to scum in tracksuits. 

3. Benefits are taken from the government, but where does the government get its money from? Your taxes, that's jolly well where!

4. Like most of Britain's richest men, Richard Branson has his many businesses registered in Switzerland and as a result pays very little in tax to the UK government. Richard does this to ensure his hard earned money isn't given to scroungers.

5. Anyone who is unable to work for any reason is eligible for benefits in the UK. But a staggering unknown percentage are claimed solely by people who are brown or speak with an accent.

6. One foreign family from central London have scammed countless millions from the UK tax payer, they've never done an honest days work in their lives and yet they drive around in chauffeur driven Bentleys eating diamond sandwiches and quaffing liquid gold, all paid for by you!

7. Benefit scandals get ordinary honest white, I mean British, folks all wound up. So it is natural that many tabloid papers exploit this to sell their hack shit. However one overly inflammatory headline from the Sun last year meant that Portsmouth pediatrician Dr. Benny Fitz was beaten to within an inch of his life.

8. Britain is a soft bloody touch and foreigners know that they can come here and get a free ride. But what pays for that free ride? You guessed it... benefits. 

9. Chanel 4 recently came under harsh criticism from OFCOM for its knee-jerk, reactionary, poverty porn, hate-umentary 'Benefit Street', for using slick editing techniques to make all people on benefits seem like greasy turds. But bosses at Chanel 4 were keen to remind viewers that there is no smoke without fire.

10. If every one on benefits got a job, the UK would be so rich that none of us would ever have to work again.

Computers

1. The computer was invented in 1943 by Alan Turing. It's first task was to deliver high grade pornography to our brave boys battling fritz over seas.

2. Unlike today where a computer could fit in the ear of a small dog, early computers were the size of a 4 bedroom house, with a mouse the size of a Volvo. 

3. Edgar T Fartcrack of Austin Texas was the first man to legally marry a computer, when he wed his Commodore C-16 in August 1989. They celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary later this year.

4. The world of Science Fiction would have us believe computers are all evil, like in the Matrix or Lawnmower Man but some are really good like Ziggy in Quantum Leap or Holly from Red Dwarf.

5. Computers are made from screens and keyboards and are powered by electricity. But really computers run on a complicated maths called algorithms.  

6. Computers are only for nerds and geeks, or are they? The human brain is a sort of meat computer and we all have one.

7. IBM spent billions of dollars developing Deep Blue to beat chess champ Garry Kasperov, but they failed epically when they neglected to give the computer arms to move the pieces.

8. Computers are incredibly common in today's world, from offices to home offices they're everywhere. Scientists at NASA are now even attempting to send a computer in to space.  

9. Computers have been banned in North Korea ever since 1992 when then Leader Kim Jong Il got so infuriated with Mortal Kombat he forbid their use under penalty of death.

10. Computicians from MIT predict that in 20 years people will fuse with computers, but it will be really cool like a terminator not creepy like Stephen Hawkins.

Coca-Cola

1. Coca-Cola is one of the world's most famous brands. One key reason for its place in the public conscience is that it sponsors many of the world's leading sporting events. Despite Coke being a kind of sweet fizzy poison.

2. Whilst in office, former prime minister Margaret Thatcher consumed over 30 cans of the famous fizzy pop a day. The high caffeine intake meant she only required 2 hours of sleep per night. Giving her lots more time to be a great shitting bastard. 

3. Coke was originally sold as a tonic in its early days, it's main ingredients were corn syrup and heroin.

4. Such is the acidity of Coke is you leave a lump of coal soaked in the cola drink over night by morning it will be a shining diamond.

5. We all know Jesus by his trademark beard, robe, sandals and thorny crown ensemble, but did you know that this image of Christ first appeared on a Coca-Cola poster from 1943.

6. Coca-Cola make more than just deadly carbonated beverages, the companies portfolio of products ranges from hot water bottles to land mines.

7. Coca-Cola was invented by John Pemberton in 1866, Pemberton was a hate filled man and stumbled upon the closely guarded cola recipe haphazardly, whilst working on an elixir to cure both gay and black.

8. Everyday more than 1.8 billion cans of Coca-Cola are consumed. If all that Coke was contained in one giant can, that can would need to be the size of the planet Saturn. 

9. Coca-Cola has maintained it's place as king of the soft drink market for the last 60 years. It has achieved this through a ruthlessly aggressive marketing policy, including one advert aired during the 1987 Super Bowl where the then CEO, Barnus Clataschnap threatened to kill a helpless child unless everybody immediately went out and bought some Coke. The demand was met but Clataschnap executed the kid anyway.

10. A controversial partnership in 2007 meant that for 3 years bread and Coke Zero were taken as the transubstantiation for the blood and body of Christ in all Catholic Churches.

Osama Bin Laden

1. From 1978 to 1984 Osama Bin Laden played bass in Bruce Springsteen's backing group the E Street Band.

2. Osama Bin Laden was one of capitalism's biggest critics and advisories, but what was the drive for this disdain towards our growth model economy? Well it all stemmed from season 1 of The Apprentice when he was fired in episode 4 for thinking a ramekin was a type of expensive towel in the shopping list task.

3. Osama Bin Laden was a reputable athlete in his day. He was an under 14 regional badminton Champion and he was a green belt at karate. 

4. The Bin Laden family are one of the wealthiest and most influential of all Arab dynasties. They earned their notoriety as a travelling family band, playing Country and Western music. 

5. Osama Bin Laden is most commonly seen in blurry home videos about Allah and stuff, recorded in caves. But he famously appeared in high definition when he was guest host of the Friday Night Project in 2009.

6. Ever since he was a boy Osama Bin Laden has been a huge fan of professional wrestling. His favorite wrestler is the Undertaker.

7. The spoof movie Airplane! is Bin Laden's most loved film, he has seen it over 500 times. Sources close to the Taliban leader revealed that he was perplexed as to why his own brand of aviation hi jinx in 2001 had gone down so badly.

8. Osama Bin Laden is famous for 2 reasons, his tyrannical reign of terror and his amazing beard. However since a chip pan fire in 1994 that famous face fuzz has been a chin wig.

9. Osama Bin Laden lived in the UK for a period in his late 20s. He came to London in 1979 to join the flourishing alternative comedy scene, viewing himself as a radicalised fundamental Muslim Ben Elton.  

10. After Osama Bin Laden was assassinated by the CIA he was given a speedy sea burial. Many people found this deeply suspicious but it wasn't and Osama Bin Laden isn't now working for the Americans from a secret facility miles underneath Washington DC.