Top Gear

1. Top Gear hasn't always had it's current format of laddish banter, light entertainment and xenophobic paranoia.  It used to be a consumer show about cars.

2. For many years the true identity of the Stig had been open to here say. That was until it was surprisingly revealed to be Eastenders pinup Dean Gaffeny in his controversial autobiography 'Enoch Powell & Me; the Robbie Jackson Story'. 

3. The key demographic for Top Gear are white British males aged 18 to 45 who vote UKIP and drive cars, but a staggering 23% of the viewing figures are made up of women and not all of them lesbians.

4. When the recession hit in 2008 the BBC had to make drastic budget cuts. As a consequence all the outside broadcast footage from season 5 were just the cut scenes from Gran Turismo 2 on playstation. 

5. Top Gear is sold by the BBC to every country in the world, but to ensure the format retains it's integrity teams of translators work tirelessly to make all the racist slurs regionally appropriate. For example Irael's version of Jeremy Clarkson thinks the Palestinians make substandard hatchbacks and surrender prematurely in wars.

6. When the change in law was made regarding same sex couples adopting children in 2012 Jeremy Clarkson and James May legally adopted Richard Hammond.

7. Jeremy Clarkson famously hates motorbikes, but why? Well whilst in his early 20s on a day trip to Blackpool Jeremy was mugged by a Kawasaki 903 Z1. The motorbike was black. I'm just saying.

8. Top Gear has helped launch the career of presenter James May to unprecedented heights, but little is known about the quintessential English gent. This is mainly because James May is actually a king Charles spaniel voiced by ventriliquist Ray Alan. 

9. Every episode of Top Gear has the brilliant 'star in a reasonably priced car' section.  All except for episode 6 of season 4 when serial killer Rose West, who posted an impressive 1 minute 49 seconds (In wet conditions) was pulled by censors. 

10. Jeremy Clarkson has always courted controversy for his narrow minded, xenophobic, and occasionally racist comments, this is because he is a cunt hidden under the gossamer thin veil of a dick. 

Pope Francis

1. Pope Francis only converted to Catholicism in 1982. Prior to that he had thought the whole thing was a load of old bollocks.  

2. Unlike previous Pope Joseph Ratzenberger-Palpatine, Pope Francis has no direct ties to to the Nazi Party. But as a boy in his native Argentina he would have befriended the children of the many Nazi war criminals who fled to South America. A school photo of Pope Francis with a 'Miguel Himler' have been discredited by a Vatican statement which read 'whatever'.

3. Pope Francis is the most liberal Pope in many years, he has even put forward plans for the fires of hell to be turned down for the gays that welcome the love of Jesus and accept their abhorrent wrongs upon death.

4. Before becoming gods representative on earth Pope Francis worked many different jobs, most famously as a nite club bouncer. But one job he has tried to keep quiet was the 4 years he spent backing Prince as Brenda Bennett in 80's girl band Vanity 6. 

5. In an attempt to make the Catholic Church more appealing to young people, Pope Francis recorded a rap album. However the Pope's liberal use of the N-word meant the record was pulled from shelves after just 24 hours.

6. The Catholic Church is an archaic institute built on corruption, bloodshed, abuse of power and evil. But new Pope Francis can ride a motorbike and play electric guitar.

7. The Catholic Church has recently come under intense criticism for its needless decadence. Keen to address this issue and remind the world that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is a rich man to get in to heaven, Pope Francis has erected a 500foot gold statue of a tramp, and for a mere €5000 donation to the church you can see a photo of it.

8. The child abuse scandal that has rocked the Vatican for several years has led many people to believe all priests are kiddy diddlers, but not our Pope. In a 2010 interview whilst still a cardinal and leader of the church's 'prayers against Muslims' scheme, Pope Francis quipped; "Paedophilia? Never. I may have toyed with beastiality and dabbled with some necrophilia, but you have to draw the line somewhere".

9. As Pope he has the privilege of a direct line of communication with God. But in efforts to save money Pope Francis will often drop God a cheeky one ringer, and get God to call him back. 

10. As we all know when you become Pope get one free choice of a saint. When asked who he was going canonize Pope Francis controversially selected anti-theist and critic of the church, Christopher Hitchens. He had mistaken him for the actor Timothy Spall who worryingly isn't dead or a Catholic. 

Dolphins

1. Dolphins are a fish, but unlike other fishes the lady ones have boobs so they are actually mammals. 

2. Along with Swans and Corgis, Dolphins are protected under royal law, and the maximum penalty for dolphicide is beheading. This has been common law of the British empire since 1867 when Queen Victoria birthed a child which looked like a dolphin.

3. Though often thought to be gentle, peace loving sea creatures in 1937 a dolphin led the Turkish military forces against the Dersim Rebellion. Resulting in the deaths of 70,000 innocent men and women.

4. Dolphins can live in the sea or in fresh water, however most dolphins can be found on the jumpers of lonely middle aged women.

5. In the 2003 invasion of Iraq, the US military utilised dolphins high intelligence levels and deployed them to sweep for mines and look for submarines. However the plan backfired dramatically when it became evident that all dolphins hold fundamental Islamic principals and sympathised greatly with the Iraqi cause. At one time estimates suggested that 30% of the Ba'ath party were dolphins or other cetaceans.   

6. Everybody loves dolphins... except for the Japanese that is. Every year the Japanese brutally slaughter over 600,000 dolphins. Last year the Japanese first minister Yakido Tetsuo was asked by a G8 environmental committee 'Why do the Japanese kill so many dolphins?' The minister put forward a very strong argument that dolphins are cunts, and the committee seemed appeased. 

7. Every year commercial fisherman trawling for tuna catch and kill thousands of innocent dolphins. The problem is easily avoidable, but as Jesus was a fisherman nothing is done as it must be gods will or something.

8. Dolphins are thought to be the most intelligent creature on earth, so to combat flagging ratings in 2002 Chris Tarrant held a 'dolphin special' of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. The hot lights of the studio however proved to much and the dolphin died, ironically with all 3 lifelines still intact.

9. Actor Jim Carrey has cetaceaphobia, or put simply a fear of dolphins. As a result Snowflake the Miami Dolphins dolphin from hit movie Ace Ventura Pet Detective was played by a school of goldfish painted grey swimming in unison. 

10. Dolphins unlike stupid animals like dogs or badgers have highly evolved communication and social skills, and last year over one thousand dolphins opened twitter accounts, the most common dolphin hashtags were #fuckjapan and #iheartflipper. 

Britain's Fat Kids

1. The first recorded case of fat-child in the UK was Lambeth born Billy Cheesegrill. In 1990 aged just 7 years old Billy weighed in at an impressive 13 stones and 4 pounds. However, it was only diagnosed by doctors as fat-child in 1992, prior to that Billy was assumed to be an orca whale or a small hill.

2. Fat children have been a problem in the USA since the war of independence. Where as an act of defiance against British rule, children would dress up buffalo like King George and consume them with butter.

3. In 1977, children's show, Blue Peter weighed every child in Britain on massive scales for the Jubilee, and the average weight per child was a healthy 5 stone. In 2012 the feat was recreated and the scales actually broke! Also 907 children died of blubber related injuries and crushing.

4. Scientists predict that if childhood obesity levels continue to rise at the current rate, by the year 2034 the average human baby will be born the size of fat cunt Eric Pickles. 

5. One upshot to the increase of unsightly fat children is a parallel decrease in paedophilia. As although children are easier to catch they are considerably less desirable to creepy men in dirty macs hanging around playgrounds.

6. In 2010 four year old Tilly Fudgewings, of Oldham, was the youngest recipient of gastric band treatment. However so bad was Tilly's sugar and lard addiction that in 2011 she removed her own gastric band with a pair of ELC safety scissors and went on a pie binge. Tilly's current whereabouts are unknown.

7. In 1999 a Labour initiative to combat childhood plumposity by supplying heroin to primary schools was trialled in Glasgow. However the scheme gave Tony Blair a political black eye when all the kids sold the heroin to their parents and bought deep fried Mars bars.

8. A study in to the impact fast food marketing policies have had on our ever expanding youth undertaken by McDonald's last year, showed that it had little to nothing to do with it.

9. Until the intervention of self righteous chef and bellend Jamie Oliver the average school dinner in the UK was an entire pig fried in syrup and lard served with 2lbs of processed cheese, a pint of double cream and an entire Wall's Vieneta. 

10. Due to a 2006 error in the way Cream Eggs were taxed, each fat child in the UK was offered a rebate of £150. However in order to deter the claimants, then chancellor, Gordon Brown put the cheques 'a short walk away'. No claims were made.

Scotch Independence

1. Scotland has actually been a country in its own right since the 1976 Royal Variety Show where the Krankies, in the words of the Queen, "fucking smashed it". The Duke of Edinburgh was later heard to have quipped "that sexy boy and his groomer deserve a nation of their own". Weeks later Scotland was opened to the public.

2. Scotland's biggest export is mountains. Every year over 13 mountains are made and sold to flatter nations.

3. Scotch first Minister Alexander Salmons started the independence movement after booking tickets to the filming of the Russ Abbott show in 1988. After a wrong turn at BBC television centre he ended up in the Kilroy studio and was so insensed at missing national icon Abbott, that he blamed the Queen. Why he did this is a mystery.

4. Official records show that the population of Scotland is close to 5 million. However the actual number is thought to be far higher as many Scottish live on mountains and no one has bothered counting them as they can't be arsed with the climb.

5. In an effort to placate the Scottish nationalists the Royal Mint have produced a series of £2 coins which feature the face of Jockey Wilson instead of the Queen.  The coins are due for release in late August.

6. Although commonly thought to have been the result of a branding companies first foray in to abbreviated text slang, popular Scottish tooth-rot IrnBru was actually named due to the letter famine of 1866, after huge taxes were put on the letters O, E, and W by the grdy fcking cnt Nglish.

7. Although Scotland is the land of Scotts, Scott is actually only the 4th most popular boys name and comes in an unimpressive 6th for girls.

8. Scotland make up roughly 8% of the United Kingdom, however they account for a staggering 97% of the heroin and shortbread consumption.

9. Many of the world's best loved inventions hail from Scotland and they have produced some of Western societies greatest thinkers and scientists. But strangely, for political issues, they will instinctively turn to actors and shit comedians - who spend nearly all their time in England - for advice.

10. A liberated Scotland will mean a new design for the Union Jack, the government are preemptively looking at designs, however it is rumoured that a Banksy style stencil of the Queen weeing on some bagpipes is a firm favourite.