Guns

1. Guns were invented by Michael Winner in 1974 as a plot device for the hit Charles Bronson movie "Death Wish".

2. Guns are great for self-defence. Mainly defending men with micro-penises from the crippling sense of inadequacy their tiny willies give them.

3. Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Well, bullets kill people, and people buy bullets and shoot people with bullets using guns. But guns don't kill people, or something.

4. In America there are more guns than people! But this is only because most people in America have been killed by guns.

5. It's not just racist policeman and the mentally ill who love guns, many Hollywood celebs do also. None more so than the leader of the Decepticons, Megatron.

6. The only worse thing than a 'bad guy with a gun' is a teenager with a Twitter account. Because guns only hurt body parts, but teens hurt feelings and are dumb faced jerks.

7. Most people think of gun manufacturers as ruthless, greedy and blood-thirsty. But in reality they are far, far worse.

8. Every year millions of people are killed by guns, which sounds bad. But when you think about how fucking cool and sexy guns are, it's actually not that bad.

9. The most controversial gun in the world is the AR-15. This is because it was the first openly homosexual fire-arm to be sold to the public.

10. Hundreds of years ago there were no guns and no horrific mass shootings. But the mass shootings we have nowadays are nothing to do with guns and are more to do with MTV and computer games.

Jeremy Corbyn

1. Jeremy Corbyn is best known for his current job leading the Labour party, but before that he was famed 80s action hero Steven Segals.

2. Jeremy Corbyn invented the beard in 1982, but was screwed out of the royalties by his former partner and best friend Noel Edmonds.

3. Lots of people say that JC is an anti-Semite, but this is a completely false statement and is only brought up by his detractors because he keeps doing lots of Anti-Semitic things.

4. Jeremy's famous allotment is so famous it has it's own Facebook page! However the page is filled with lots of anti-Semitism and is best avoided.

5. John McDonnel is JC's best friend ever. They have a sleep over and jammy party every Saturday night and if they are good their mums will let them watch Predator!

6. In 2017 JC performed on the main stage at the Glastonbury festival. However he was running in an election and that really wasn't the time to fulfill his childish dreams.

7. London's 'Grime' scene has taken the Labour leader in as one of its own. But this isn't because of Jeremy's socialist views, its because of the hot 16 he dropped on JME during a heated rap battle in 2006.

8. Jeremy Corbyn made all of his money selling high risk penny stocks to vulnerable investors during the 1980s.

9. JC rose to prominence in 2015 winning the Labour leadership as a 250 to 1 outsider. Beating off the favourite contender, The Stig, from BBCs TopGear.

10. Jeremy Corbyn worked as a research scientist in the 1970s. During this time he was bombarded with Gamma radiation leaving him with a condition similar to The Incredible Hulk. If he were to ever get angry he could destroy the whole world! This is why he's such a massive pussy.